'Trad Cath' Group Proposes Adding ‘Cool Spikes’ to Newman Center
The spikes are intended to invoke Jesus’s crown of thorns and “look awesome.”
A group of traditionalist students concerned that UW-Madison’s Newman Center is “not based enough” are working on convincing the diocese to add massive iron spikes to its chapel.
The all-male group “Knights of Saint Dominic” presented the controversial proposal in a meeting with the St. Paul’s board of directors last week. The six-foot spikes would be directed toward parishioners on the bottom floor “in order to further convey God’s power and authority.” Additional spikes will be placed directly above the pews in the top balconies and over the confession line benches on the bottom floor “to communicate the omnipresence of God.”
When asked if he believed the spikes were necessary, parishioner Giorgio Jackson said “While it is not technically necessary according to canon law, Mass with spikes is clearly a superior form. Spikes get people more engaged with the liturgy, like using incense or Latin. There is no better way to get people listening to a homily than the image of a giant Jesus-spike shooting out of the wall and impaling them for their sins. We can clearly see from the internet that people do not want lukewarm Christianity: On fire Christianity means Latin, incense, and big spikes hanging over people’s heads in Church.”
Parishioner Dwight Hershey, in response to those worried that spikes would make some people wary of coming to church, said, “If they’re really so put off by a few spikes in the Chapel that they stop going to Mass, they were probably never going to be involved here in the first place.” Hershey, who first encountered Catholicism via Instagram Reels four months ago, identified himself as a “Based Traditionalist Catholic.” He said, “The spikes remind me of all those pointy bits on the Jerusalem Cross, which is based because the Jerusalem Cross is about crusaders and killing heathens. That’s what Christianity is all about, fighting with everyone around you that you disagree with.”
A UW art student who is not Catholic drew the blueprints. Responding to The Madison Federalist in an email, she said she jumped at the opportunity, and plans to use the piece, titled “Guilt”, as her honor’s thesis.
When asked about the thought process behind the spikes, a spokesman for the Knights responded: “They’re supposed to make you scared. People aren’t scared enough of God. We tried to tell people that Jesus loved them in the seventies, and look how that turned out! They all left because they thought that meant God loves them when they sin, or worse, when they don’t go to Church! That’s how we got empty parishes, and heresies. Scaring people is the only way to bring them back. We need churches full of people who are too scared to leave.”
However, many parishioners have expressed skepticism toward the proposal. “I’ve never seen any of these people before,” said the front desk receptionist. The Knights have approximately a dozen members, but a petition against the proposal has gathered 900 signatures.
This article is entirely satirical.
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